I had been browsing the aisles for beer, frozen pizza and other miscellaneous food items that required little to no effort to prepare, when a cute, lacey, hot pink bra caught my eye across the way. It didn't have any matching panties with it but, it was cheap and I reasoned I could find some panties somewhere else to go with it. I tossed it in the basket. Score!
On the way home, I realized I would pass right by the stripper store. That's what my girlfriends and I call it anyway. You know, those places with names like Cindy's or Christie's or Crystal's. They are touted as adult gift stores. You can find lingerie, bachelorette party gifts, and of course...lots of sex toys. I whipped into the strip center parking lot and found a spot right up front. There was a good chance they would have some panties to go with my new bra.
I quickly strode up to the door and gave it a swift pull. Before I could open it more than a foot, I was smacked in the face by a strong smoke odor. I had accidentally opened the door to the business next door, a smoke shop. I hastily walked the few steps to the correct store entrance and went in.
I browsed the lingerie area but didn't really see what I was looking for. I spent a few minutes wandering around the store taking in all of the sights and novelties. I was staring at a wall display of nipple clamps and other various items when I heard the front door bell go off in the store, indicating a customer had come in. I looked over and immediately froze. My father-in-law had just walked in. My very conservative, banker father-in-law.
My mind began reeling. Had I just busted him? I know he wasn't there shopping for my mother in law. I was half expecting a hooker to come strolling in behind him. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do either. I went into full panic mode. I turned around, took two steps toward a table of products to hide behind and did a duck and cover move that would have made my elementary school teachers proud. It wasn't until I was squatted down that I realized I was hiding behind a display of penis pumps. Awesome. That didn't matter now though. I had to figure out how I was going to sneak out unseen.
That's when I heard the familiar voice. "Where did she go?" Shit! I'm the one who was busted! My cover was blown. I slowly stood up like a Viet Cong soldier rising up from the jungle, surrendering to the enemy. "Heeyy", I slowly said in an awkward way. "What are you doing here", I asked as I was bringing my arms down from the top of my head.
There I was, staring at my father-in-law while surrounded by dildos, butt plugs, and crotchless panties. Nothing weird about that right? Wrong! There is everything weird about that. I don't remember the exact words that came out of my mouth but it was something to the effect of, "Ok. Funny. You can leave now.", all while I'm almost pushing him towards the door.
He finally left. I stood there trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I heard one of the sales clerks say, "I take it you knew each other." I turned around to look at her, hands to my face, shaking my head back and forth and told her, "That was my father-in-law and I am so embarrassed." Her coworker quickly chimed in, "Well, at least you didn't have a big dildo in your hand when he walked in." The other retorted back, "Even if you did, you should have asked him if he thought his son might like it." What! I decided my spur of the moment shopping trip was over.
The incident has never been mentioned again. Moral of this story...don't buy a bra from Walmart.
Lisa J is a teacher and blogger in Fort Worth, Texas.
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